


Essential Rhetoric For Group Chat Shenanigans

by platinumbered



Series: fake smosh [2]
Category: Smosh
Genre: AU WHERE ANTHONY SOHIN AND LCORN ARE STILL PART OF SMOSH BC IM SHALLOW AND I NEED THIS, Alternate Universe - Criminals, F/F, Fake Smosh, Group chat, M/M, Multi, demiboy/nonbinary!flitz, everyone is gay and thats just how it be sometimes, trans boys!wes and damien, trans girl!mari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-03 01:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12738396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platinumbered/pseuds/platinumbered
Summary: BatshireWhat the hell is going on in this fucking chat anywayOr, the adventures taking place in the Fake Smosh Games crew's group chat. Chaos ensues.





	1. technically its a food fight

**Author's Note:**

> FAKE SMOSH AU (gta!verse)
> 
> yes yall its back!!!! i wanted to rewrite my old fic with damien and boze and new ships n shit, but i didnt want to delete the old one. bc its not bad????? but like still the formatting was awful and i Didnt Know How High School Worked
> 
> so i wrote it again!!!! just for the hell of it!!! thisll be smosh games centric and will feature occasional chapters with the squad and all the Dads, bc i love them too much to let them go unwritten tbfh
> 
> gender headcanons are in the tags along with a few trigger/content warnings!!! ill put sexuality stuff in the notes of a different chapter bc this is getting l o n g
> 
> anyway i hope yall enjoy this new take on the old gc au!!! bc i certainly enjoyed writing it
> 
> (IN CASE YOU MISSED IT tw/cw for mentions of the following: alcohol and drug use, violence, death, and other things typical of a group of criminals. please stay safe if you dont think you can handle it!!!)
> 
> aight!!!!! lets get it!!!!

_10:10_ _PM_

**bozey bozington**  does anyone have food

 **LASERCORN**  BOZE

 **LASERCORN**  WE'RE STAKING OUT RIGHT NOW

 **bozey bozington**  your point????

 **bozey bozington**  im hungry its been an hour and a half

 **LASERCORN**  I'M

 **LASERCORN**  IN THE CAR WITH YOU

 **LASERCORN**  YOU CAN JUST ASK ME

 **bozey bozington**  no you dont have any

 **bozey bozington**  i checked your bag and your pockets

**LASERCORN**

**LASERCORN**  WHEN DID

 **LASERCORN**  NEVER MIND

 **LASERCORN**  WELL YOU MISSED A PLACE BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME TRISCUITS

 **bozey bozington**  dk how i missed em but sick dude ty

 **LASERCORN**  I KEEP THEM IN MY BOXERS

**bozey bozington**

**LASERCORN**  FOR EMERGENCIES

 **bozey bozington**  uhhh

 **bozey bozington**  just loose triscuits??? in your boxers????

 **LASERCORN**  UM NO BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT

 **LASERCORN**  THEY'RE IN A PLASTIC BAG

 **bozey bozington**  ..................ok thx i guess

 **LASERCORN**  NO PROBLEM

 **sohin**  wait boze you eat triscuits

 **bozey bozington**  yeah my guy

 **bozey bozington**  triscuits are a good and quality snack

 **sohin**  i cant believe this

 **sohin**  you eat fucking  _triscuits??_

 **bozey bozington**  stop kinkshaming me

 **sohin**  triscuits are just saltines but worse

 **bozey bozington**  theyre NOT

 **sohin**  YOU STRAIGHT UP PULLED A PIECE OFF SOMEONES THATCHED ROOF AND ATE IT

 **sohin**  THATS WHAT A TRISCUIT IS

 **LASERCORN**  DAMN SOHINKI

 **LASERCORN**  YOU'RE REALLY WORKED UP ABOUT THESE TRISCUITS

 **sohin**  listen triscuits should be outlawed

 **sohin**  i feel very strongly about this

 **bozey bozington**  IM A LITERAL ACTUAL CRIMINAL IDGAF ABT THE LAW

 **LASERCORN**  SHE'S GOT A POINT

 **bozey bozington** thank you

 **sohin**  i dont care about your admittedly valid point triscuits are disgusting

 **bozey bozington**  well screw you lemme eat my triscuits in peace

 **bozey bozington**  and im gonna put honey on them too bc thats really good

 **sohin**  thats

 **sohin**  you cant

 **sohin**  do that i dont think

 **sohin**  i think thats illegal

 **LASERCORN**  WE KILL PEOPLE

 **LASERCORN**  AND ALSO STEAL THINGS

 **LASERCORN**  EVERY DAY

 **sohin**  every time you put honey

 **sohin**  OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER

 **sohin**  on a triscuit

 **sohin**  a sniper immediately shoots you in the head and you die

 **sohin**  its me im the sniper

 **bozey bozington**  LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING

 **sohin**  you CANT HAVE HONEY ON TRISCUITS

 **sohin**  you absolutely cant

 **Batshire**  ...What on earth is going on in this chat

 **sohin**  dont ask questions you arent prepared to know the answers to

 **sohin**  cmon man you know this

 **Batshire**  Fair enough

 **mari tacohashi**  LITERALLY why are you guys like this

 **bozey bozington**  shrug emoji

 **mari tacohashi** anyway triscuits are gross

 **bozey bozington**  GASP

 **sohin**  H A

 **bozey bozington**  BETRAYED BY MY OWN GF

 **bozey bozington**  THE HEARTBREAK I FEEL RN IS INDESCRIBABLE

 **sohin**  big words for a tiny girl

 **bozey bozington**  SAY GOODBYE TO UR KNEECAPS DICKBREATH

 **sohin**  AT LEAST I DONT EAT LITERAL BIRDS NESTS

 **bozey bozington**  I  _DONT_  EAT LITERAL BIRDS NESTS YOU FUCK

 **LASERCORN**  OH SHIT THE ITALICS ARE OUT

 **mari tacohashi**  jesus christ baby chill out............................

 **sohin**  you think pudding is gross you clearly have NO taste buds

 **bozey bozington**  PUDDING IS OVERRATED

 **bozey bozington**  ITS NOT SWEET ENOUGH

 **bozey bozington**  ITS HYPED UP TO BE ALL SWEET AND IT ISNT ITS NOT THAT GOOD

 **candy!!!** FUCK YOU

 **bozey bozington**  THE TRUTH HURTS WESLEY

 **mari tacohashi**  hey i like pudding :((

 **bozey bozington**  pudding is MEDIOCRE AT BEST

 **mari tacohashi**  bozey WHY

 **sohin**  boze pudding is fine you can absolutely calm down

 **sohin**  also how. how did wes know you were talking shit abt pudding he hadnt read any of the previous messages

 **LASERCORN**  HE HAS A SENSE

 **LASERCORN**  I SWEAR IT'S SO WEIRD

 **sohin**  youre dating that

 **LASERCORN**  I KNOW

 **LASERCORN**  EVEN IF HE WAS AN AWFUL PERSON

 **LASERCORN**  WHICH HE ISN'T

 **LASERCORN**  I PROMISE YOU

 **LASERCORN**  THE SEX WOULD BE ENOUGH

 **bozey bozington**  i literally dont need to hear this

 **sohin**  while you were experiencing sexual attraction i studied the blade

 **Batshire** Man you guys are so fucking weird

 **mari tacohashi** no one was talking about your hot sex with wes,

 **LASERCORN**  DEAL WITH IT SCRUBS

 **bozey bozington**  oh shit

 **bozey bozington**  yall we gtg the guys here

 **bozey bozington**  lasercorn get me my rifle!!!

 **LASERCORN**  BYE YOU GUYS

 **mari takahashi**  bye!!!

 **sohin**  glhf

 **bozey bozington**  we will!!! getting stationed right now

 **LASERCORN**  SEE YOU GUYS IN A BIT

 **mari tacohashi**  peace sign emoji

 **mari tacohashi**  god im kinda relieved that arguments over

 **sohin**  yeah that couldve gotten ugly

 **FLitz**  A HOT DOG IS TECHNICALLY A SANDWICH

 **sohin**  oh my god

 **bozey bozington**  OVER MY DEAD B O D Y IT IS

 **LASERCORN**  WAR IS HELL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this chapter was based off real events take that how you will


	2. give damien a damn break please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter!!!! the next one wont be up quite as fast, but im working on it!!
> 
> enjoy nerds!!!

_2:47 PM_

**Haas it going?**  Had to stitch up Shayne because he fell out of his apartment window. :(

 **Batshire**  Dear god

 **Batshire**  That sounds bad

 **Batshire**  Is he ok

 **bozey bozington**  oh no!!!!

 **Haas it going?**  Yeah, he's okay. He broke his arm and two fingers, though.

 **Batshire**  Glad hes alright

 **LASERCORN**  WHY WOULD HE DO THAT

 **Haas it going?**  He was trying to climb onto his roof.

 **bozey bozington**  LMAOOOOOO

 **LASERCORN**  ...WHY WOULD HE DO THAT

 **Haas it going?**  Because he's Shayne?? I don't know!!

 **Haas it going?**  Why does everyone in this crew insist on throwing themselves into every danger they encounter???

 **LASERCORN**  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

 **LASERCORN**  I'VE NEVER DONE THAT EVER IN MY LIFE EVER

 **LASERCORN**  IN MY LIFE

 **Batshire**  Now thats some bullshit

 **Batshire**  Yesterday you asked me to dare you to jump out of the way of a car at the last second

 **Haas it going?**  YOU DID  _WHAT?????_

 **LASERCORN**  UH

 **Batshire**  And then when i said no you dared yourself and did it anyway

 **Haas it going?**  YOU COULD HAVE DIED!!!! >:(

 **LASERCORN**  BUT HERE'S THE THING

 **LASERCORN**  I DIDN'T

 **Haas it going?**  BUT HERE'S THE THING!!!!!!! YOU COULD HAVE!!!!!!!!

 **LASERCORN**  I DIDN'T THOUGH

 **LASERCORN**  THANKS FOR OUTING ME JOVEN

 **Batshire**  No problem

 **Batshire**  Providing this crew with minor inconveniences is my job

 **candy!!!** who ate all my sour gummy worms??????

 **Batshire**  I um

 **LASERCORN**  CHRIST

 **LASERCORN**  I'D START RUNNING IF I WERE YOU JOVEN

 **candy!!!** joven i swear if it was you ill dismember you and leave you to die where no one will ever find you :((

 **Haas it going?**   _Please_  don't.

 **Batshire**  Providing this crew with minor inconveniences is my job  _however_  i would never stoop so low as to take another mans candy because that is just

 **Batshire**  Wrong

 **Batshire**  And also a major inconvenience which is not my specialty

 **Batshire**  Plus i am a man of honor

 **Batshire**  But i digress

 **candy!!!** joven :(((

**Batshire**

**Batshire**  Okay it was me please dont tear my ass out of my throat im begging

 **candy!!!**  i wont!!!!!!!

 **Batshire**  ................Okay im waiting for the other shoe to drop

 **candy!!!**  that would be too quick of a death for you!!!!!

 **Batshire**  Shit

 **LASERCORN**  EDGY

 **candy!!!** :(

 **sohin**  which one of you fucks drew a mustache on me during my nap

 **Batshire**  See now thats the shit im talking about

 **Batshire**  Although that actually wasnt me

 **LASERCORN**  NO THAT WAS ME

 **LASERCORN**  WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU'D CATCH ON

 **sohin**  lasercorn you absolute motherfucker

 **LASERCORN**  I CERTAINLY AM A MOTHERFUCKER

 **LASERCORN**  IN THAT I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOM

 **sohin** my mom is too busy being dead in a ditch somewhere try me nerd

 **Batshire** Damn

 **LASERCORN** I

 **LASERCORN** FEEL KIND OF BAD NOW

 **sohin** good that was the goal

 **LASERCORN**  FUCK YOU

 **Haas it going?**  ...Not that this isn't fun, and also awkward as hell, buuuut Olivia just texted me to tell me that Shayne accidentally cut himself with Keith's switch and is now attempting to staple his own wound shut.

 **Haas it going?**  So, um. I'd better go.

 **sohin**  thats metal as fuck

 **Haas it going?**  Yeah, pretty much!!

 **Batshire**  Where would we be without you damien

 **LASERCORN**  IN VARIOUS STATES OF DECLINING HEALTH

 **Haas it going?**  And  _you,_  Mr. David Moss, would be nothing but a goddamn splat on the pavement!!! >:(

 **LASERCORN**  UM

 **LASERCORN**  HEH HEH

 **Haas it going?**  Don't think I forgot about that. You and I are going to have a talk about the difference between being a criminal and being plain  _stupid!_

 **LASERCORN**  :(

 **sohin**  get. iced.

 **bozey bozington**  oh hey speaking of getting iced!!! im at shaynes right now

 **bozey bozingto** n and let me tell yall

 **bozey bozington**  it is lit as fuck over here

 **Batshire**  Is he actually stapling his own knife wound

 **bozey bozington**  let me put it this way

 **bozey bozington**  the man can do wonders with office supplies

 **sohin**  send pictures i wanna see

 **bozey bozington**  thats

 **bozey bozington**  really weird why would you ask that

 **sohin**  i dunno maybe it looks cool??????

 **Batshire**  Freak

 **sohin**  shut up

 **Haas it going?**  At the rate he's going, it's a wonder Shayne hasn't killed himself yet!!

 **bozey bozington**  he says to let you know that he wouldnt do it if it would kill him

 **bozey bozingto** n and also that hes done this before and hell be fine

 **Haas it going?**  WHAT DO YOU  _MEAN_  HE'S DONE THIS BEFORE???

 **bozey bozington**  hey my guy dont shoot the messenger

 **Batshire**  Wow

 **Batshire**  Not okay

 **LASERCORN**  YEAH REALLY

 **LASERCORN**  HOW ON EARTH DOES ONE BENEFIT FROM STAPLING ONES OWN

 **LASERCORN**  WAIT WHAT DID HE CUT

 **Haas it going?** His unbroken arm.

 **LASERCORN**  FROM STAPLING ONES OWN ARM

 **LASERCORN**  THANK YOU DAY

 **Haas it going?**  You're welcome, and I have...no idea. That seems substantially more painful than suturing.

 **Haas it going?**  Like,  _way_  more painful.

 **Haas it going?**  That's how you get an infection!!!! :(

 **sohin**  lets hope our boy shayne got his tetanus shots then

_3:59 PM_

**Haas it going?**  Update: All 23 staples are out of Shayne's arm and the cut is all sutured and ready to go!! :) Load off my mind!!!

 **sohin**  pics or it didnt happen

 **Batshire**  .....Gross dude

 **sohin**  HOW IS THAT GROSS

 **sohin**  IM A SIMPLE KID ALRIGHT I JUST WANNA SEE SOME STAPLES

 **bozey bozington**  ...............you scare me a lil

 **sohin**  O K A Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe shayne is fucking dead


	3. i cant drown my demons, theyre into that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would yall like to maybe have a squad chapter?? tell me and ill write it!!!
> 
> also: cw for kind of nsfw content??? a little???? lmao

_6:10 PM_

**candy!!!** ok so apparently i like this thing and its weird please tell me whether or not its weird

 **mari tacohashi**  no problem

 **mari tacohashi**  what is it?

 **candy!!!** i mean ill tell you but you have to  _promise_  not to judge me

 **mari tacohashi**  ................ok im a little scared now

 **candy!!!** PROMISE

 **mari tacohashi**  ok ok god

 **mari tacohashi**  i promise not to judge you

 **candy!!!** ok

 **candy!!!**  so um

 **candy!!!**  i actually

 **candy!!!** find it really hot when lasercorn gets hurt

 **mari tacohashi**  ..............................you know how i promised not to judge you

 **candy!!!**  DONT

 **mari tacohashi**  I HAVE TO GO BACK ON IT

 **mari tacohashi** I RESCIND MY THING ON NOT JUDGING YOU

 **candy!!!**  ITS JUST

 **candy!!!** HE GETS PUNCHED AND HIS NOSE BLEEDS AND HIS LIP SPLITS AND HE GETS ALL BRUISED AND HE GOES DOWN AND GETS RIGHT BACK UP

 **candy!!!**  AND HE KEEPS ON SMILING LIKE IT ABSOLUTELY DIDNT HURT

 **candy!!!**  ITS FRIGGIN HOT

 **mari tacohashi**  youre fucking WEIRD

 **mari tacohashi**  WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR BOYFRIEND TO GET HURT

 **candy!!!** I DONT _WANT_  HIM TO GET HURT I JUST FIND IT HOT WHEN HE  _DOES_  GET HURT

 **mari tacohashi**  THATS AWFUL

 **mari tacohashi**  PATCH HIM U P

 **candy!!!**  SEE THIS IS WHY I DIDNT WANNA TELL YOU

 **mari tacohashi**  YOU C R E E P

 **FLitz**  Honestly Im Not Surprised

 **mari tacohashi**  hi flitz

 **mari tacohash** i its Kinkshame Wes Hour you in??

 **FLitz**  Oh Hell Yes

 **FLitz**  Break Me Off A Piece Of That Shit

 **candy!!!**  :(( you guys suck

 **mari tacohashi**  lasercorn: bloodied and on the literal verge of death  
wes: ahah yes...., some Choice shit fr the spank bank,,...,. .

 **candy!!!**  IM REPORTING YOU TO IAN FOR HARRASSMENT

 **FLitz**  Listen Youre Just A Terrible Kinky Person

 **candy!!!** I CANT HELP IT

 **candy!!!**  THIS IS CYBERBULLYING

 **mari tacohashi**  im gonna go tell lasercorn IN PERSON that you like it when he gets punched in the face

 **LASERCORN**  I'M SORRY

 **LASERCORN**  YOU  _WHAT_

 **mari tacohashi**  oh well now i dont have to

 **candy!!!**  OH um

 **candy!!!**  hi

 **LASERCORN**  HI BABE WHAT THE FUCK

 **mari tacohashi**   _SEE_

 **candy!!!** IM SORRY YOURE JUST FUCKIN SUPER ATTTACTIVE AND I HAVE A PROBLEM

 **LASERCORN**  THANK YOU?

 **candy!!!**  youre welcome

 **LASERCORN**  THAT'S KIND OF HOT THOUGH, ACTUALLY

 **LASERCORN**  I'M NOT MAD AT THAT, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT

 **LASERCORN**  I THINK I COULD BE DOWN FOR THAT

 **candy!!!**  :D

 **FLitz**  Jesus Christ

 **mari tacohashi**  what other fucking strange terrible kinks do you guys have

 **FLitz**  Do You Have Like A Daddy Kink Or Something

 **LASERCORN**  PLEASE SAY NO

 **LASERCORN**  THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE

 **candy!!!** no i dont

 **candy!!!**  i always think of ian and joe and sunny and everyone when i say daddy and thats bad

 **candy!!!**  i have like 5 gay dads!!!!! id rather not think of them while im fucking lasercorn

 **LASERCORN**  UM, WHILE I'M FUCKING  _YOU_ _,_  THANK YOU

 **candy!!!**  mmmmmn

 **candy!!!**  no

 **mari tacohashi** LMAOO

 **FLitz**  Damn

 **candy!!!**  what??? its true!!!!

 **candy!!!** i do really like it when you pull my hair tho

 **FLitz**  Cant Relate

 **mari tacohashi**  you know what i actually kinda like that one

 **LASERCORN**  YEAH I VERY MUCH AGREE

 **LASERCORN**  IT'S REALLY HOT

 **mari tacohashi**  ok theres no need for that

 **mari tacohashi**  dont get too excited

 **LASERCORN**  EVERY TIME WES PLAYS WITH MY HAIR I GET A HARD ON

 **mari tacohashi**  A L R I G H T

 **FLitz**  Okay Thats Bad I Dont Want To See This

 **candy!!!** oh really???

 **LASERCORN**  I MEAN IT'S LIKE HALF CHUB

 **LASERCORN**  MY SCALP IS ONE OF MY MOST EROGENOUS ZONES

 **LASERCORN**  ASIDE FROM MY DICK

 **LASERCORN**  AND MY NIPPLES OF COURSE

**mari tacohashi** _OF COURSE??????_

**candy!!!** of course!!!!

 **candy!!!** also for a guy with such a big dick you sure hide it easily when its hard

 **FLitz** Im In Hell

 **candy!!!** tell me every time you got hard for me and i didnt notice. i want a list

 **mari tacohashi**  dont,

 **LASERCORN**  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

 **candy!!!**  :(

 **LASERCORN**  THAT'S SO MUCH DIRT ON ME JUST OUT THERE

 **LASERCORN**  ON A FUCKING LIST

 **LASERCORN**  I AM A CRIMINAL WITH A REPUTATION

 **mari tacohashi**  brb gonna go tell the whole criminal underworld david "lasercorn" moss is hard for wesley "the editor" johnsons ass

 **LASERCORN**  OKAY HERE'S THE THING

 **LASERCORN**  I KNOW YOU'RE JOKING

 **LASERCORN**  BUT THAT'S ACTUALLY PLAUSIBLE WITH YOU

 **mari tacohashi** of course im fucking joking ghdhhcvdjxj

 **mari tacohashi**  where the hell would i put your dick list so that the  _entire criminal underworld_ would know about it

 **mari tacohashi** fucking criminal twitter?????

 **mari tacohashi** gonna post a status on my criminal facebook about your boner tome

 **FLitz**  The Phrase Boner Tome Is Pretty Great

 **candy!!!** hard on lexicon

 **mari tacohashi**  how about a tent pole roll call

 **candy!!!**  your boxer briefing!!!!

 **mari tacohashi**  yogurt rocket docket hahahaha

 **LASERCORN**  WHERE ARE YOU GUYS EVEN GETTING ALL THESE LIST SYNONYMS

 **mari tacohashi**  google sure is fun

 **candy!!!** its a morning glory tally

 **mari tacohashi** raging salmon screed?????

 **FLitz**  You Guys Its Literally The Fucking Gay Agenda

 **FLitz**  How Did You Forget The Gay Agenda

 **mari tacohashi**  FHSHDJSHJDJSJ I CANT BELIEVE WE MISSED IT

 **candy!!!** THANK YOU SO MUCH FLITZ

 **LASERCORN**  YOU GUYS ARE AWFUL AND I DETEST YOUR COMPANY

 **candy!!!** <33333


	4. mystery flavor flavor mystery [squad]

_5:13 AM_

**keif weak juniow** me and noah are finally back from our late ass job with anthony

 **keif weak juniow** yall im so TIRED

 **i like buttholes** you're so lucky  >:(

 **i like buttholes** courtney and i are just starting ours!!!

 **i like buttholes** plus it's honeypot, and you know how much i hate honeypot :((

 **keif weak juniow** damn livliv that sucks

 **Grossboy** Oh I hate honeypot

 **i like buttholes** yeah but it's okay

 **i like buttholes** i get to spend time with my lovely girl ♡♡♡

 **Grossboy** Adorable

 **cropp topp** do you guys remember that time i stapled my knife wound shut

 **keif weak juniow** which time

 **keif weak juniow** like the most recent one or one of the other times

 **cropp topp** most recent

 **cropp topp** dames blue balled me because of it i gotta stop

 **Grossboy** You deserve it

 **Grossboy** High five Damien for me

 **cropp topp** no

 **Grossboy** :(

 **cropp topp** im sure youll be happy to hear that damien read that over my shoulder and high fived himself

 **Grossboy** :)

 **cropp topp** damien says to tell you youre his favorite and that hes gonna give you 2 lollipops later

 **Grossboy** That's a very specific thing to give someone but thank you

 **cropp topp** hes a doctor i wouldnt worry about it

 **Grossboy** Oh I guess that does make sense

 **Grossboy** Just make sure none of them are the fucking mystery flavor ones

 **Grossboy** Those are absolutely the devil they're very bad

 **keif weak juniow** damn what the hell is wrong with yall

 **keif weak juniow** what kind of content

 **Grossboy** It really doesn't bother you at all that you have no idea what you're gonna get??

 **Grossboy** Why on earth

 **keif weak juniow** bc im not gonna be a pussy about a fuckin lollipop

 **Grossboy** What if it's root beer

 **Grossboy** What then, Keith

 **keif weak juniow** root beer is good lmfao

 **Grossboy** You're the worst

 **cropp topp** youre lucky damien is way nicer than all of us and is currently promising not to give you any mystery flavored ones

 **Grossboy** Thank God

 **i like buttholes** NOAH the mystery flavor lollipops are so fun :(

 **i like buttholes** its like a fun little surprise !!!

 **Grossboy** Homegirl I really respect you and value your friendship but that is just unacceptable to me

 **comill** honestly??? i think i'm with noah on this one

 **Grossboy** THANK YOU COURTNEY

 **cropp topp** you heartless slut

 **comill** listen i need my lollipops to be upfront with me

 **i like buttholes** :( its a fun surprise

 **keif weak juniow** im about ready to throw some hands this isnt ok w me

 **comill** try it keith!!!!! come at me!!!!!! i can break you with my really big muscles!!!!!!!

 **keif weak juniow** i really doubt that but aight lmfao

 **cropp topp** no shes

 **cropp topp** definitely right

 **cropp topp** you have the same muscular layout as a smurf

 **i like buttholes** HAHAHAHA

 **Grossboy** Oh my God Shayne

 **Grossboy** You just fucking killed Keith I can't believe it

 **keif weak juniow** why noah out here tryna start some shit

 **keif weak juniow** were kinda basically the same width

 **cropp topp** noah has the height advantage though

 **cropp topp** that and hes all...floppy

 **Grossboy** Excuse me??

 **keif weak juniow** LMAOOOOO

 **comill** i really do not want to be hearing about how noah is floppy

 **comill** also, how do you _know??_

 **cropp topp** i wasnt alluding to his penis although thank you for taking it that way

 **Grossboy** Keith please attest to how neither I nor my penis is floppy

 **keif weak juniow** your penis?? nah

 **keif weak juniow** you as like a person?? _chyeah_

 **i like buttholes** ok.........gross

 **Grossboy** Are you all really sitting here telling me I have a floppy personality

 **cropp topp** i was referring to more of your general physique

 **cropp topp** completely excluding your penis

 **i like buttholes** floppy is a fun word

 **Grossboy** I really am not sure if I should be offended by this or not

 **comill** i would say not??? considering even we don't really know what the hell we're saying anymore

 **i like buttholes** noah flopsman

 **cropp topp** oh yeah by the way noah

 **cropp topp** damien says he likes the mystery flavored lollipops

 **cropp topp** and that youre still his favorite but the seed of resentment has been planted

 **cropp topp** so if he betrays you later youll pretty much know why

 **Grossboy** I...wow

 **cropp topp** those were his exact words

 **comill** that's definitely a very damien thing to say

 **keif weak juniow** the most important thing is that noah knows for real that we outnumber him

 **Grossboy** :(

 **i like buttholes** FUN SURPRISES FOR THE WIN ☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡

 **keif weak juniow** hell yeah livliv

 **comill** noah i'll protect you with my big muscles

 **Grossboy** I can protect myself

 **Grossboy** I'm 8 feet tall and floppy

 **Grossboy** Don't need no man or Courtney

 **comill** i'll still fight keith later

 **comill** and i'll win with the help of my BIG MUSCLES

 **keif weak juniow** mhm ok alright

_5:34 AM_

**cropp topp** this just occurred to me

 **cropp topp** why were we all just hanging out in the group chat at friggin 5 am

 **i like buttholes** conveniences sake probably ://

 **cropp topp** convenience for what though

 **i like buttholes** i dont know!!!!

 **i like buttholes** i wouldn't worry about it too much ^^'

 **cropp topp** dont worry ive already forgotten it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in every chapter of this fic theres at least one person in the chat that really does not want to be there and honestly??? a 2017 mood
> 
> also the last section of this fic is 100 percent a callout post for me myself and i lmfao


	5. boycott shadow the hedgehog for gamecube 2018

_2:45 AM_

**sohin** you guys shadow the hedgehog is a terrible game

 **bozey bozington**  uhhhhhh why??

 **bozey bozington**  im not disagreeing but why

 **bozey bozington**  it sounds terrible

 **sohin** it is

 **sohin** its just so fucking edgy

 **sohin** wes would probably like it

 **mari tacohashi**  the gamecube one??

 **mari tacohashi** nah even wes isnt that edgy

 **sohin** i respectfully disagree

 **bozey bozington** so do i babe sorry

 **mari tacohashi**  alright well guess whos not getting eaten out later

 **bozey bozington**  UNFAIR

 **sohin** ew

 **bozey bozington**  what brought this on tho

 **bozey bozington**  why are yall suddenly on this sonic tirade

 **sohin** i toked up with lasercorn and i was bored so i started playing it and now im remembering how much i hate it

 **LASERCORN**  I'M WATCHING OVER HIS SHOULDER AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO AGREE

 **LASERCORN** THIS GAME SUCKS

 **sohin** youre actually backseat gaming and telling me to take all the murder routes but yeah go on

 **LASERCORN** SHUT UP

 **LASERCORN** STILL, THIS GAME IS REALLY VERY BAD

 **mari tacohashi** is that the one where you have to like

 **mari tacohashi**  make all these dumb moral decisions that really dont actually matter because you have to fight the same final boss regardless?

 **sohin** yeah mari thats the game

 **sohin** what a fucking travesty right??? like god damn

 **mari tacohashi**  yeah you once facetimed me when i was in the middle of an interrogation and subjected me to like an hour of complaining

 **bozey bozington**  LMFAOOOO I REMEMBER THAT

 **sohin** your fault for answering but ok i guess we have beef now

 **mari tacohashi**  shhhhh dont worry about it

 **mari tacohashi**  i distinctly remember you comparing one of the minibosses to jovens mom

 **mari tacohashi**  ahhh dammit!!! what was its name!!!

 **bozey bozington** UMMM

 **bozey bozington**  black something right???

 **mari tacohashi** YEAH

 **mari tacohashi**  black dog???

 **mari tacohashi** you sent me pictures it was really ugly

 **LASERCORN** BLACK BULL

 **mari tacohashi**  YEAH THATS IT

 **LASERCORN** SOHINKI YOU COMPARED IT TO JOVEN'S MOM? NICE

 **sohin** thank you

 **bozey bozington**  send pictures i wanna see jovens mom

 **sohin** im lazy google it

 **bozey bozington**  youre the worst

 **sohin** :)

 **bozey bozington**  oh ew

 **bozey bozington**  i wasnt expectin much but yall this thing is NAAAASTY

 **bozey bozington** much like jovens mom

 **mari tacohashi** man its so fun to make fun of jovens mom when joven isnt around to see it

 **LASERCORN** I KNOW

 **LASERCORN** THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT IT

 **LASERCORN** HE ISN'T THERE TO STOP US, AND EVEN THOUGH WE WOULD HAVE CONTINUED ANYWAY REGARDLESS, THE LACK OF PROTEST IS

 **LASERCORN** PRETTY GOOD

 **mari tacohashi**  its the little things

 **bozey bozington** like jovens penis. OHHHHHHHHHH

 **LASERCORN** NICE

 **bozey bozington**  finally im appreciated in my time

 **sohin** GOD the sound for when you select something or click on something outside of gameplay is a GUNSHOT

 **mari tacohashi**  NO WAY REALLY

 **LASERCORN**  I CAN CONFIRM THIS

 **mari tacohashi** HAHAHAHA

 **sohin** THIS REALLY IS TERRIBLE

 **bozey bozington**  THATS TOO MUCH FJDKDMDJIDID

 **mari tacohashi** I HAVE TO PLAY THIS OH MY GOD

**sohin** _you had better fucking not_

**LASERCORN** CHILL OUT

 **sohin** ITS C U R S E D

 **mari tacohashi**  i am 100% PERCENT going to PLAY THIS STUPID GAME

 **sohin**  N O

 **bozey bozington**  dibs on being there when you do

 **sohin** i bet ian regrets giving birth to all of you

 **mari tacohashi**  that. that didnt happen but yeah sounds plausible

 **LASERCORN** YEAH HE DEFINITELY DOES

 **sohin** OH FUCK HERE COMES THE JUNGLE LEVEL

 **sohin** THE JUNGLE LEVEL IS THE W O R ST

 **mari tacohashi**  god i wish i were there to see that

 **sohin** you fucking masochist

 **bozey bozington** yep! i can absolutely confirm that

 **sohin** thanks i hate it!!!

 **LASERCORN** WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS ABOUT WEIRD SEX AGAIN

 **mari tacohashi**  YOURE ONE TO TALK

 **mari tacohashi** YOU HAIR PULLING PANTY WEARING HEAD GIVING MOUTH FUCKING ASS SLAPPING M E S S

 **bozey bozington**  go the fuck off baby!!!!! i love you!!!!!

 **LASERCORN** I RESENT THAT BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DENY ANY OF IT

 **sohin** i hate this chat so much

 **sohin** youre all terrible and im leaving the crew

 **mari tacohashi**  you already left the crew

 **bozey bozington**   _i took yr spot_

 **sohin** well yeah but i would be leaving spiritually this time

 **mari tacohashi**  fair enough i guess???

 **LASERCORN** YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I MISS SEEING YOU PEOPLE EVERY DAY

 **LASERCORN** IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE THAT REMIND ME THAT I REALLY DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU

 **mari tacohashi**  we loooooove you

 **LASERCORN** BAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shadow the hedgehog for gamecube is a terrible mistake of nature please never buy it or play it or look at it
> 
> this chapter was also based off real factual events!!!! my friends and siblings are pretty cool


End file.
